Sivananda Retreat

Having the blissful opportunity to attend an all day Yoga immersion is a true luxury these days.  This Saturday, I was able to do just that, getting to experience an "Indian Ashram" only 45 minutes from where I live.  This is thanks to the amazing Laurel and Dan Heffner, who have truly been lights in my life.  They have reconnected me so deeply to my experience of India and the lessons she is still teaching me.

It was five ethereal hours of chanting, meditation, pranayama, asana, theatre (reenactments that I found surprisingly effective) and spiritual study, focused on Swami Sivananda.  I would have gone no matter who we were studying, but the fact that it was Sivananda really made the whole day that much more special.   In fact, the whole day felt like constant explosions of serendipity regarding my Yoga lineage and education, seeming to appear in cosmic neon flashes above my head.   

I first started doing Yoga when I was 16 years old, when a piano teacher of mine handed me a copy of Lilias Folan's Alive with Yoga on VHS. I ended up practicing with that old tape hundreds of times,  watching sweet Lilias in her red striped leotard and thinking to myself that this felt like nothing I had ever experienced. 

Soon after, I purchased my first book on Yoga - The Sivananda Companion to Yoga and it became my go to for everything Yogic.  I read and reread the text, highlighting, making notes and dog-earing the pages.  Many years later, I would go through teacher training at Sri Swami Satchidananda's Ashram in Yogaville, Virginia.   I didn't know much about him at the time, but was drawn to the Integral Yoga philosophy and holistic approach to traditional Yoga.  It was much later that I found out that Satchidananda had been a disciple of Sivananda's.    One of the first serendipitous links of the retreat day was finding out that Lilias Folan also was a disciple of the Sivananda lineage, being taught by Swami Chitananda (Sivananda's direct disciple).

I am used to doing retreats that involve all the elements we were experiencing, but this was my first time really experiencing the reenactment/theatre aspect of traditional Yoga.  At first I wasn't sure what to think, but I soon became caught up in the message and in the power of someone channeling an experience instead of just telling about it.  The teacher in me connected with this immediately and it reminded me, that as a student, this is a very effective way to teach.  Dan made a fantastic Sivananda, both in his spiritedness and his physical appearance, donning the orange robes and shiny head, his dancing and clapping got us all up to join him and joy filled the room.

There were several reenactments, but the one that affected me most was Satchidananda.  My teacher.  I have had such a journey with him and his role in my spiritual life and it was so strange and almost overwhelming to see him embodied in someone else.  While some may say it was just an actor in a wig, I have to admit I felt something stronger when he walked towards the stage in his orange robes.  He looked like him, moved like him.  Since I have heard the real Swami talk a lot, there was a bit of a difference in the way the actor talked, but it didn't take away from the retelling of the speech he gave at Woodstock.  I have heard of this event, even taught students about the speech probably a few hundred times.  But I never got it like I did this day, seeing this Satchidananda in front of me, hearing the speech retold in this cadence, imagining the hippies that he got off drugs and onto Yoga, pranayama, meditation.  And then the led minute of silence.  I imagined how powerfully that silence must have swept across the chaotic youth in the crowds.

Afterwards, I couldn't stop thinking about how people say that if you're drawn to something strongly, it's usually because it's familiar and you were already doing this in another life. I look back to how I started with Yoga at such an early age and have never stopped, how my practice has just continuously grown deeper and wider and fuller and how I have complete faith that this will keep happening for the rest of my life.  I just can't get enough of it - it is a true practice with so much to always learn anew.   I think of how I have never had any desire to do any drugs or to drink alcohol and have been sober my entire life, yet have been surrounded by many close friends and loved ones who have/do.  I think of my obsession with the sixties all through my childhood and teenage years and how I was the weirdo who listened to The Doors and Creedence ("our Dads' music") while my other friends listened to Paula Abdul and Whitney Houston.   Is there something to this?   Normally it would sound kind of kooky, but in this meditative space, in this deeper awareness, it all started to make sense to me.   

Beautiful gifts kept coming throughout the day, probably the most profound to me was the gift of Radha's diary.  The excerpts of Sivanananda's western disciple were my favorite part of the retreat by far.  I could relate to her so closely, being a western woman who traveled to India and wrote about it too.  A woman who doubted herself and tries her best to live this practice.  I loved her authentic voice and realness so much that I can't wait to order this diary for myself and to read all of it!

Why should we only read the Gita, the words of Jesus or the Sutras?  Why not read one woman's diary of an authentic pilgrimage, both inner and outer?  To me, a story like this is just as inspiring.  

I am so grateful to have the opportunity to "plug in" to Yoga retreats a few times throughout the year, but this one really took the cake for me.  It was everything I had hoped for and more and resonated with me on a thousand layers.  I went in that morning feeling like a tired, worn out little bud and left feeling like an opened lotus, clear and connected. To be able to practice with others who feel the same way about Yoga as I do and to learn from teachers like Laurel is such a powerful gift.

"Do real sadhana, my children.  Do real sadhana." - Sivananda

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu

This is one of the first chants I ever learned, at the Ashram back in 2001.  I instantly loved it.  It was just a lovely chant.  Simple, beautiful, flowery sounding.  I loved the way the melody carried softly across your tongue.  It was a sweet, feminine chant and I fell in love with it.

Translated, it means roughly, "May the entire universe be filled with peace and joy, love and light."  Another version, "May my positive actions and thoughts influence the actions and thoughts of others around me."

It is the second chant I have learned on the harmonium and I can't stop playing it.   I can honestly say it is the first real experience with the harmonium where I feel like I "get it."  My voice and the instrument become one and I just bliss out into this devotion and never want to stop!

This week has been a very busy week with work.  I've been working very long hours on campus and by the time I commute home, take care of Bodhi and do all the evening chores and bath time and get her to bed, I am utterly exhausted and mentally wiped.  I know I should do yoga, but the thought of rolling out the mat and trying to move my body around just seems like too much.   So, last night, I told myself, "jeez, just do 5 minutes.  You can do 5 minutes.  Just sit on the mat if you have to."

I rolled it out on the back porch, with just about 15 minutes of light left in the day.   I did one slow sun salutation and then lay on my back on the mat, putting my legs up against the column of our gazebo.  I had never thought to do this before, but lay there in "legs against the wall" pose for about 10 minutes, completely and utterly spent.  

It wasn't a calorie burning Vinyasa flow or a mind blowing, spiritual transformation, but my body had intuitively went into one of the best known restorative poses that exist.  That without thinking, my legs just went there, seems like a kind of somatic magic to me.  It's exactly what I needed. So many times I don't roll out my mat because I think, "Ah, I'm too tired" or "I don't have time."  Why do I forget, even after all these years of practice, that it's okay to just lay in child's pose for awhile or just put my feet up against the wall sometimes?   It's still Yoga.  Even 30 seconds is better than nothing!

Hanuman Happy Birthday

My little baby is ONE year old!  It's so unbelievable.  What a beautiful, strange, exhilarating, exhausting, frightening, joyous, thrilling, phenomenal year it has been.  The best of my life and without question the most transformative.

She dances and loves to look at the world upside down (she does a LOT of baby downward dog).  She giggles and laughs all the time and has a real sense of humor already.  The world and everything in it is completely amazing and amusing to her.   I could not be more grateful or feel more blessed to be celebrating this huge milestone and the magic of this beautiful little being that has come into our world.

Speaking of magic and beautiful beings, I really love Hanuman. He's always been one of my favorites in Hinduism.  Often known as the "Monkey God," he helps out his BFF Rama when Rama's wife Sita is kidnapped.  But, beyond loyalty and devotion, I really like that Hanuman has no idea of how powerful he actually is.  The son of a wind God, he has to be reminded of his magic and strength (by a bear).  And then he uses that power to help those he loves, powerfully leaping across the Indian ocean to find Sita and bringing back medicines for Rama's dying brother.   He may not be overtly the sharpest tool in the shed (there are some funny moments in the Ramayana that point to this), but Hanuman is the one you want having your back.  He is genuine, loyal and I mean, come on...he's a monkey!

And speaking of monkeys, if you continue through Daniel Tucker's lessons, you'll find that in addition to squirrels playing guitar, his wardrobe also includes (drumbeat....) sock monkeys playing guitar!   I think I am as intrigued to keep up with the lessons for his whimsical fashion as I am learning the harmonium! :)  

After a few weeks of learning and practicing all the scales, sarghams, learning the basics, I ventured into the actual kirtan chants last night.  My very first song I chose was Babu Hanuman, from Krishna Das' album. It is so beautiful - the melody speaks of a long standing devotion.

Last night after Bodhi went to sleep, I was able to begin playing this for the first time (about 3 minutes into the video is the section I am learning).  It felt truly exhilarating. I still am shy and unsure about my voice (embracing my non singing voice is a whole other scary, but liberating aspect to this journey) but I am working on it and just trying to let the truth and the light shine through.

Harmonium History - First Lessons

Oh, how I love this instrument! My lifelong love of piano has easily transmitted to this beautiful, compact little Indian gem.  Except one of the first things I've learned in taking my Kirtan lessons is that the harmonium is actually a European instrument and not originally Indian.  It was made as a tiny organ (standing with foot bellows instead of on the floor) in Denmark and Paris, used mostly in churches.  The British brought it with them to India and the Indians loved it so much, they made it their own, putting it on the floor and nixing the foot bellows for hand ones instead.

The harmonium became so popular among folk singers and musicians that trained Indian classical musicians banned the instrument because they felt it wasn't "refined" and sophisticated enough.  This division caused the harmonium to be used prominently in kirtan (worship) and that's why it became one of the main instruments used and associated with yogic chant!   So fascinating!

So far, I am really impressed with Daniel Tucker's lessons.  I had originally wanted to go to Kripalu and take his training, but the timing right now just won't allow that, so his online courses at the Bhakti Breakfast Club are just perfect for me.   Every night after Bodhi goes to sleep, I take a lesson or two.  So far, I've completed three courses, each with several lessons a piece.  I really like Daniel's teaching style (and especially that he wears t-shirts with squirrels playing guitar on them).  He is the kind of teacher I'd want to have locally if I could, so I feel grateful that I found this alternative.

The last thing I must mention - the sharp Ma (what we know as F Sharp) was banned in medieval times because its sound was so menacing, church authorities were certain it was the Devil's note.  Church composers were forbidden from using it in any of their music.  This is why in the history of western music, you don't have a lot of F sharps!   I love it.

And I love the harmonium and getting to know it.  I'm still such a newbie to it, but feel like I'm slowly becoming acquainted with it and can't wait to learn some real Kirtan songs and someday share them with others in my yoga classes.   If you're reading this, I'd like to ask you to think about an instrument you'd like to learn and why.  What's stopping you?

Yogawoman

I just watched Yogawoman - this wonderful documentary by Kate McIntyre.   For some reason, in all my research and reading on Yoga over the last 20 years, I have somehow just now become aware that there are all these great documentaries on Yoga out there!   I watched "Enlighten Up" a couple of years ago with the excitement of a kid on Christmas, so thrilled that an entire movie was filmed about Yoga!  I loved all the interviews with the teachers the most.

This was one of the reasons I loved Yogawoman - the one on ones with well known and respected teachers like Sharon Gannon, Angela Farmer, Seane Corn, Patricia Walden, Sianna Sherman, Nischala Joy Devi, and my favorite, of course, Shiva Rea.   Oh, how I wish I could just have the time and money to go study with ALL of them!

The documentary did a great job of illustrating the power of yoga in a woman's life and how it carries her through all of the stages - puberty, motherhood, menopause, etc.  I loved how they showed women in their 80s and 90s doing yoga, women who were cancer survivors, etc.  One of the most inspiring scenes to me was the teaching in the women's prison.  The way the one woman described how much yoga gave her and how when anyone got upset or angry, they'd do their OMs and feel so much better.  It really moved me, how they could find that power within themselves through Yoga.

Yoga just isn't a tool, it's a whole toolbox - a 5,000 year old, layered, dog-eared, myriad, tapestry of goodies to choose from.  The toolbox never empties, is always replenishing, always full of new ways to understand, be and learn.  There are so many ways to be a Yogi!

Hare Hare Harmonium

The package from India arrived all wrapped in shiny purple paper with tiny flowers, like the gift wrap of a really great seven year old's birthday party.   I set it down in the kitchen and began tearing off the packaging and after about a half hour of cutting through about ten layers of tape, cardboard, styrofoam and protective packaging (I am definitely impressed with the thoroughness and consideration to keep this baby safe on its journey from Delhi to Ohio), I could finally see the top exposed. A wooden rectangle, it looked like a shiny bald head still surrounded by the white styrofoam.  With this reveal, my speed increased - I couldn't wait to get this thing free!  I finally got the last bit of packaging loose and lifted the rectangle shaped instrument up out, a waft of sandalwood hitting my nostrils.  I set it in my lap, in awe of its beauty and potential.  After years of desiring a harmonium and months and months of research, asking fellow harmonium musicians question after question and online comparison shopping, I had finally become the proud owner of my own brand new shiny harmonium!

But I had absolutely no idea where to begin with it.   After I figured out how to open it (which took longer that I'd like to admit), I pressed down the middle C key and pulled in the bellows for the first time.   Urrrrrrrrr......  I smiled so big!  I was so excited! I spent about an hour just getting to know it on my own, playing a few keys and making up a little song, but realized quickly that just because I play piano doesn't mean I can't benefit from some specific instruction on this wondrously different instrument.

It came with a free (an aptly titled) "How to play Harmonium" booklet.  I sat down with the harmonium next to me and looked through it, but since the majority of it is in Sanskrit and it looks like it was printed in 1984, I knew my next step was to find a more modern, accessible instruction.   (Though I did find it very amusing that at the end of the book were several western sheet music pages for what were described as "popular songs."  These included Red Temperton's Baby, Come to Me, The Bangles' Eternal Flame and a random David Lynch song from the Twin Peaks soundtrack. So, I was right on it being made in the 80s.)

I had researched the Bhakti Breakfast Club at Kirtan Central awhile back and watched a few of the introductory videos.   I had first heard of Daniel Tucker through his Kirtan workshops at Kripalu when I was there.  I had thought that perhaps I could attend one weekend intensive, but with the baby and work, I knew that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.   So, here are several courses he teaches all online.  I signed up and am ready to go!   Ever the academic nerd, I can't wait to see what I learn!

Creating Sacred Space

Have I mentioned before how difficult it is to find time for asana practice? And when you do have the rare half hour to yourself, you either fall asleep before you even get the mat rolled out or opt instead for the decadent combo pleasure of ice cream enticing you from the kitchen and RuPaul's Drag Race.  Or maybe that's just me.

More than time, I've found that finding space is of equal issue.  With a tiny cottage of a house, what was once my yoga space/living room/piano room is now all of that with a pack n play, high chair, swing and assorted other baby gear.  And a baby of course.   The most beautiful, perfect Buddha baby that I still am in complete awe of every moment.   A baby that is laughing, clapping, standing, dancing, teething and doing all those first little unique baby things that fill me with a pure joy that makes me believe in the Divine with a fierceness I never would have imagined.

And though it goes without saying that I wouldn't trade all this for the world, sometimes I miss having a space for yoga, that special mojo vibe area for my practice.

Tonight, I knew I needed to find some way to get my mat out. While Daddy watched her and got her ready for bed, I cleared all the patio furniture from our deck, lit some candles and incense and popped in Yoga Shanti with Laurel on the CD player.   Within about 30 seconds, I felt the shift.  You know the one - the one you get when you start really breathing for the first time all day.  The one when you elongate along your mat and sigh, "Hello beautiful body, I forgot all about you today."  This one was special though because within these 30 seconds, I realized I had recreated my sacred space without even intending to.  I hadn't even considered that I could have it anywhere else, but here I had just created an environment conducive to such peace.  The smell of the incense, the sound of the birds and wind through the trees and Laurel's soothing voice and chimes all carried me into my sadhana space.

After my savasana, I rolled the mat back up and put the patio furniture back in its place. It's not permanent (which is perfectly Buddhist, right?) but it is perfect for a Yoga Mama with an 11 month old who more often than not only has a few minutes anyway.    If you're reading this, I encourage you to reflect on ways you can create a little spiritual space for yourself in ways (or spaces) you hadn't considered.   Sometimes just a candle, a fabric, a certain CD or meaningful icon can transform mundane space into something special instantly.   Create your own sacred space however you can!  Om Shanti.