This month was HARD. Not in practicing asteya, but in the fact that it is the last month of the semester, which always creates chaos, stress, anxiety, imbalance and an overall feeling of things falling through the cracks. On top of this, many other life factors came into play, making this month a whirlwind. I did my best. Or pretty close to it.
April 4th - Asteya is defined as non-stealing. This is not only a caution against stealing things that aren't yours, but stealing time, energy, trust, etc. It takes stealing to a whole deeper level. So far, I haven't had any trouble not stealing people's stuff (not something I was accustomed to doing before), but I have been paying attention of any way I may unknowingly steal people's time or energy.
In doing this, I became VERY aware of how others may try to steal my time and energy (and money). Long phone calls and wait times to a payment system that made an error on my mortgage payment (so much time (and money!) stolen...) Acquaintances that tend to take and take and not give in return. It's a hard balance to give and not be taken advantage of.
April 5th - A tiny three month old kitten came to our doorstep last night. He is a bag of bones, wheezing like Darth Vader and just all around pathetic. I instantly fell in love with him. I'm really hoping we can keep him. He is so affection and loving and sweet.
April 7th - Bad news. The kitten tested positive for Feline Leukemia. I'm overwhelmed. I've had four cats in my life and never have had any experience with this. It's pretty scary and not at all promising. The vet said the prognosis isn't great, but that there's a chance he could just be exposed and "grow out of it" later. But then the pamphlets said that babies and elderly shouldn't be around Fel-V cats because of other stuff they can pick up due to their suppressed immune systems. I don't know what to do.
April 16th - Today at Kroger, I bought a cart full of groceries, got out to the car, exhausted after working all day. Bodhi was kicking and crying, also tired from the long shopping excursion. I realized there was a bag of red potatoes next to her in the child seat. I hadn't seen it and neither had the cashier when I checked out. I was so tired and at first thought, screw it. But then, I knew this was a perfect opportunity to make a choice to practice Asteya.
With Bodhi pouting and whining, I pushed her and the cart back into the store and went up to the cashier with the potatoes and receipt in hand. She looked annoyed at me at first. I told her what happened and she didn't have any reaction, but just charged my card again and I wondered to myself if this was even worth it. Then she said, "Thank you for being so honest." And I stumbled, "Oh, no problem." But if I'm being completely honest, I'm not sure if I would have gone back in if I wasn't doing this Yama practice. And that is something for me to reflect on. This kind of small "free-bee" thing has happened probably a dozen times in my life and I'd say about half of those times, I have made the effort to take back the item. When I haven't, I usually make the "big corporation won't miss a couple of dollars" argument. But the thing is, that's not the point. It's karma. It's not stealing. And I have to admit, I felt better after paying for the potatoes.
April 28th - I used to have a really bad habit of being late all the time. And who am I kidding, I still struggle with this, especially with kids, though I make a much more mindful attempt not to be late now. One thing I am always on time for is work and my classes. Always. I leave extra early just to make sure because I struggle with this. There is a student this semester that I've been putting aside special time for because she is struggling in class. We've met three times outside of class and each time she has been 15-20 minutes late for our appointment, always with what seems like a legitimate excuse. Today, I was due to meet her at 3:00 and I myself was running just a few minutes behind with dropping Bodhi off. Considering her consistent late arrival, I figured I would still likely make it there before she would. I arrived exactly at 3:03 p.m. and she was in the main office, asking my chair (boss!) where I was. Seriously. Ugh. Back in my 20s, I never looked at being late as stealing people's time, but now I do. It is something I try to avoid if possible. But sometimes, it is unavoidable.
April 30th - I've been taking care of the kitten for this whole month, giving him antibiotics, food, tons of love and trying like crazy to find him a home to no avail. He is the sweetest little soul and rubs up against me ferociously as if he is saying, "Oh, thank you, thank you." His respiratory infection hasn't improved much. So, I took him into a different vet for a "second opinion" and follow up test.
As we were waiting for the results, the vet and the tech informed me of the suffering and pain involved with
Fel-V and that the reason his respiratory infection wasn't getting
better was probably because he was already very sick with his weakened immune system. Normal kittens would recover with such a strong round of antibiotics. While he had gotten better at first it seemed, his wheezing now returned and it was pretty difficult for
him to breathe. We talked for a few minutes and I said, "What do I do if this test is positive?" He looked at me compassionately, but confidently said, "I would strongly encourage putting him down, for his sake and yours." During those next couple of minutes waiting, I prayed, Please be negative, please be negative. I petted him and I said to him, "Come on, be negative, kitty, you can do it."
The vet walked back in and I knew the result from the look on his face. "It's positive. A strong positive." He explained that this second test confirms that the kitten definitely absolutely has it and that it's not just an "exposure" thing that may go away. I burst into tears, blubbering all over the place. The vet tech looked at me compassionately, "Take the money you would put into him for the next few weeks and adopt a healthy cat and then donate to the shelter to help 15 cats, you must realize that anything you do for him, he's not going to last very long." They gave me a few moments and were very kind and yet, clear and validating, which I appreciated.
I cried as I petted him. I couldn't believe how emotionally attached I had become to him. He was so special, so sweet, so loving, so little. And so sick. I cried and said over and over, "I am sorry, I am so so sorry." I felt like I had failed him. He had came to us for help, so little and pathetic, and now this was happening. I cried as much for him as I did when my cats of 16 and 17 years died. Mourned just as deep and just as rough. Even more so in some ways with him being so young. It was so unfair. It wasn't his fault. His life was just stolen from him from a terrible disease most likely given to him through birth. The silver lining of his death according to the vet tech is that by us taking him "off the market" as a boy cat out in the woods, we probably saved many cats from getting infected. That makes me feel a little better. But I still feel really awful. I miss his little face and wheezy purr.
Between this and a friend of mine's recent devastating loss (which I won't write about here for sake of her privacy), Asteya has been a difficult month. I hope May (Brahmacharaya - moderation) is a little more light, a month full of life and fun and sun. Moderation in everything. After the extremes of this month and feeling overwhelmed ALL the time, I am game for moderation. The Buddha's path. Let's do it.
Friday, May 2, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Yamas: Satya - The Practice of Truth
Satya is the second Yama in the Yoga Sutras. It translates as "Truth" or "Truth telling." I found that this one wasn't so hard. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I do not have a poker face. I tell the truth, I voice my emotions, my opinions, often to a fault. But of course, it's not that simple. Satya is not just spewing out whatever you think, because that could cause harm. It is treating truth as a powerful tool that must be wielded with responsibility, with mindfulness. Ah. So, that's the catch!
It is also beyond words, but the action behind these words. Your truth in your walk. You must demonstrate your truth. So, how did this go? It started off with a bang.
March 1st - After a crazy, workaholic week (and a wicked case of PMS), I had a sort of breakdown and had it on my spouse. "I need time to MYSELF" I cried and demanded. I hadn't had a moment of silence for what felt like two weeks. As usual when this happens every few months, he listens with big eyes, nods his head knowingly, "So, take it." Which, of course, is infuriating, because he makes it sound so easy.
But I did take it. I took an afternoon and went hiking by myself, did some non-journal writing, which is so rare any more. I took a nap. Unbelievable. At the end of the day, I felt recharged, connected and cleared. I felt like myself again. I told the truth instead of keeping it bottled in. "I need this time." Why are we always so fearful, so guilty to tell this truth? Even though I know I need this time once in awhile like I need sleep or air to breathe, I still feel guilty asking for it. Why is this?
March 6th - I was supposed to meet a friend today for lunch and I've been looking forward to this rare outing for awhile. She is a new friend (how fun is that!) that I instantly connected with (so rare now!) and we've both been excited to get together and have a girls' lunch. Busy schedules have prevented this up until now and here it is! But now, I am not feeling well at all. Usually, I would soldier through and go anyway, afraid to disappoint, afraid to cancel. But my body was telling me that I needed to take this time to rest, not drive an hour for lunch, even if I did really want to see this friend. I felt relief when she understood completely, further validating what a good friend she will be. She's my kind, I thought. It felt good to tell my body's truth and not feel guilty about it.
March 8th - We saw the musical Carrie tonight. Yes, that's correct. It really made me think of high school. Ugh. It's been awhile since I've really thought about those years. It made me think particularly about the day a few weeks after graduation when I sat outside and burned four years of diaries in a barrel. One by one, I tore each page and dropped them into the fire. I burned my "truth," my satya to prove that I was an adult. I thought my high school years were awkward and ugly and so I thought my words about those years were awkward and ugly too. Why do we call it the "ugly truth?" I can't get that image out of my head - of the pages dropping into that burning barrel. How heartbreaking.
March 15th - The Chidananda Retreat! I am so happy to be here! Any time spent with Laurel immediately connects me with my experience of India, of all the teachers and gurus, the lineage and this huge center of my spiritual being. We are learning today about Lilas Folan's guru, Chidananda, who was the "St. Francis" of India. During the first reenactment skit, I hear a voice inside, "You'll go to India again, when you're older, when Bodhi's grown. You'll return, this time to Southern India. It will be much different." I felt this vision so strongly and so powerfully, tears came to my eyes. I never thought I could go back, but maybe I will after all.
After hours of chanting, prayer, meditation, yoga, deep relaxation, I feel like a completely centered and recharged person. Afterwards we eat some home cooked Indian food and I just want to eat and be in silence, absorbing everything that has happened. A sweet and very pretty girl next to me begins talking, asking me questions, where I am from, what do I do, do I have kids, etc. I answer her questions briefly but don't engage her or ask any questions back. I am too zoned out, too inward. She gets the hint and starts a similar conversation with the woman to her left.
I don't want to be rude, she is a very sweet girl and any other time, I would have loved to talk with her, but right now, I just wish I had one of those "In Silence" name tags you can get at Ashrams. In my overly verbal life, a job that is 100% dependent on my verbal expression and a generally verbally chaotic world, I just wanted to shut the f@&k up for once. It felt amazing. That was my Truth.
Next month is Asteya, Nonstealing. Not just about theft of things, but theft of time, energy, emotions, etc. This is about to get real. :)
It is also beyond words, but the action behind these words. Your truth in your walk. You must demonstrate your truth. So, how did this go? It started off with a bang.
March 1st - After a crazy, workaholic week (and a wicked case of PMS), I had a sort of breakdown and had it on my spouse. "I need time to MYSELF" I cried and demanded. I hadn't had a moment of silence for what felt like two weeks. As usual when this happens every few months, he listens with big eyes, nods his head knowingly, "So, take it." Which, of course, is infuriating, because he makes it sound so easy.
But I did take it. I took an afternoon and went hiking by myself, did some non-journal writing, which is so rare any more. I took a nap. Unbelievable. At the end of the day, I felt recharged, connected and cleared. I felt like myself again. I told the truth instead of keeping it bottled in. "I need this time." Why are we always so fearful, so guilty to tell this truth? Even though I know I need this time once in awhile like I need sleep or air to breathe, I still feel guilty asking for it. Why is this?
March 6th - I was supposed to meet a friend today for lunch and I've been looking forward to this rare outing for awhile. She is a new friend (how fun is that!) that I instantly connected with (so rare now!) and we've both been excited to get together and have a girls' lunch. Busy schedules have prevented this up until now and here it is! But now, I am not feeling well at all. Usually, I would soldier through and go anyway, afraid to disappoint, afraid to cancel. But my body was telling me that I needed to take this time to rest, not drive an hour for lunch, even if I did really want to see this friend. I felt relief when she understood completely, further validating what a good friend she will be. She's my kind, I thought. It felt good to tell my body's truth and not feel guilty about it.
March 8th - We saw the musical Carrie tonight. Yes, that's correct. It really made me think of high school. Ugh. It's been awhile since I've really thought about those years. It made me think particularly about the day a few weeks after graduation when I sat outside and burned four years of diaries in a barrel. One by one, I tore each page and dropped them into the fire. I burned my "truth," my satya to prove that I was an adult. I thought my high school years were awkward and ugly and so I thought my words about those years were awkward and ugly too. Why do we call it the "ugly truth?" I can't get that image out of my head - of the pages dropping into that burning barrel. How heartbreaking.
March 15th - The Chidananda Retreat! I am so happy to be here! Any time spent with Laurel immediately connects me with my experience of India, of all the teachers and gurus, the lineage and this huge center of my spiritual being. We are learning today about Lilas Folan's guru, Chidananda, who was the "St. Francis" of India. During the first reenactment skit, I hear a voice inside, "You'll go to India again, when you're older, when Bodhi's grown. You'll return, this time to Southern India. It will be much different." I felt this vision so strongly and so powerfully, tears came to my eyes. I never thought I could go back, but maybe I will after all.
After hours of chanting, prayer, meditation, yoga, deep relaxation, I feel like a completely centered and recharged person. Afterwards we eat some home cooked Indian food and I just want to eat and be in silence, absorbing everything that has happened. A sweet and very pretty girl next to me begins talking, asking me questions, where I am from, what do I do, do I have kids, etc. I answer her questions briefly but don't engage her or ask any questions back. I am too zoned out, too inward. She gets the hint and starts a similar conversation with the woman to her left.
I don't want to be rude, she is a very sweet girl and any other time, I would have loved to talk with her, but right now, I just wish I had one of those "In Silence" name tags you can get at Ashrams. In my overly verbal life, a job that is 100% dependent on my verbal expression and a generally verbally chaotic world, I just wanted to shut the f@&k up for once. It felt amazing. That was my Truth.
Next month is Asteya, Nonstealing. Not just about theft of things, but theft of time, energy, emotions, etc. This is about to get real. :)
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Yamas: Ahimsa
This was my
first Yama to take on for my 10 month journey. Nonviolence can take on many forms, but includes minimal (or ideally
no) violent actions, words, or even thoughts. There is a
spectrum to this practice, but ultimately it is about awareness of our
actions and taking responsibility for how we affect those around us and
our footprint in this world.
Feb 2nd – It’s amazing how quickly you become aware of
every little thing, every word, every action, every thought. Today in a long line, I practiced patience and
“nonviolent” thoughts towards the cashier who was ignoring me and my armful of
stuff while she blabbed away to another cashier about her mother. I breathed and thought, This is an opportunity
to practice. I told myself, You have all the
time in the world. Even though I didn’t
and was running late, it still actually helped a lot. I
felt lighter, better, unburdened.
Today, the great actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman died. Overdosed on heroin, syringe still in his
arm. He was without a doubt one of my
favorite actors, ever since I saw him in Magnolia, Next Stop Wonderland and
even Twister (he was good in everything). I learned he had 3 kids and
a partner of 15 years. Addiction is as
violent as it gets - a violence of self, of soul and of everyone that loves
you. Non-harming towards ourselves is
the core. His death really saddens me.
Feb 10th – Nonviolence to self. This seems to be the continuing discipline
for me. Today I practiced my harmonium
after an invigorating asana session. But
I felt discouraged at my voice. I don’t and
never have had a strong singing voice.
Even so, I love to sing ANYWAY and have tried to embrace my passion over
quality and natural ability. But over the years, I’ve
had several people in my life, including family members, tell me to lock it up
and be quiet when I’ve started singing. This doesn’t help the cause much. I carry much insecurity, shame and
frustration with my singing/chanting voice.
Today as I chanted, I felt like I sounded horrible. I am missing the point of course. I am supposed to be chanting in devotion of the divine, for the liberation of spirit, not
to “sound good.” It is a classic example
of self-violence, ego and self-judgement.
All the things that get in the way of our liberation. I vow next time to chant loudly, fiercely, focusing my energies on
God instead of my voice.
Feb 15th – “Buddhist practice is based on
nonviolence. You don’t have to struggle
with your breath or body or hate or anger.
Treat your breath tenderly, nonviolently as you would treat a
flower. Then later, you can do this with
your own body, treating it with gentleness and respect, nonviolence and
tenderness. Don’t fight against pain or
anger, embrace them with great tenderness like a little baby. Your anger is yourself and you should not be violent
towards it. Begin with the breath. Let it be what it is. In Buddhist meditation, you do not turn
yourself into a battlefield with good fighting evil. Both sides belong to you. Evil can be transformed into good and vice
versa. ” - Thich Nhat Hanh
Feb 20th - I’m
coincidentally teaching about Gandhi this week in one of my classes. His entire philosophy is based upon ahimsa
and he employed and experimented it with many different ways, including non-cooperative
acts like boycotts, marches, fasting, self-sufficiency, etc. His spinning wheel became symbolic of the
Indians’ complete independence from the British, able to make their own
clothing, march to the sea to gather their own salt, etc.
Perhaps in dealing with those that infuriate you and awaken such
feelings of anger and frustration, the best move is to become as independent of
them as possible. Do not depend on them
for anything. In my case, it’s the emotional factor. Don’t look to them for validation, for
emotional expression, for nurturing, for anything really. As one student once said, “You don’t go to a
hardware store to buy a loaf of bread.” Genius.
Perhaps when something doesn’t go how I’d hoped, I didn’t
accomplish all I’d wanted to, or someone doesn't react the way I'd wanted them to, instead of mentally “beating myself up” I need to
find a way to practice ahimsa towards myself. I am finding the biggest result of my ahimsa experience is
awareness. I read and teach about ahimsa
all the time, but to attempt to live it, I feel like I’m starting to understand
it like a familiar family member (one that doesn’t make me angry).
It still doesn’t mean I’m doing it perfectly
or am nonviolent in my thoughts and words all the time, but I’m doing better. I'm giving myself permission to be nonviolent
towards myself. I want to treat myself like I treat Bodhi, with unconditional love,
infinite compassion and complete tenderness. Why is it so hard to turn this on ourselves?
I'd love to hear your comments on your own experiences with ahimsa. How hard is it for you to practice? What are ways you've found to make it more effective?
The quest goes on…Next month is Satya, which is truthfulness. Oh boy.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Yamas and Niyamas in Action!
I've had this idea for awhile and have decided to finally challenge myself with this practice. I can already tell I'm going to utterly fail, but like all Eastern traditions, there seems to be quite a bit of enthusiasm for the attempt part and not so much judgement about the perfection in success part. I like this about Eastern religions.
The Yamas and Niyamas, for Yogis, are the backbone and foundation to the eight-limb practice. They are both moral restraints (how you deal with the outside world) and moral observances (internal strengthening). I'm generalizing here, but they basically are Yoga ethics. So, even if you have a wonderful, open chested Warrior II or a downward dog that would make Rodney Yee shed a tear, if you are an angry, hypocritical, violent, negative person, it really doesn't matter all that much. Even less severe or extreme, we all have our issues and the Yamas and Niyamas are kind of an ancient Yogi therapist that helps us shine the light on our shadows so we can see where we need to improve.
So, it's a little scary. Because it's a practice. And because it's revealing. And because it's vulnerable. And because it...takes...effort. Real effort. It's not what we're used to. We are used to habit and ingrained patterns and notions and justifications for acting the way we do. I am no exception. I devote hours and hours of my week to asana and meditation and reading about Yoga. But do I still get angry and impatient at incompetence at the store? Yes. Do I get angry in traffic? Yes. Do I get upset at things I can't control? Take a wild guess...
So, I'm going to try this and be committed. My plan is to take one ethical principle each month. That's a ten month commitment. Whew. I've been studying the Yoga Sutras and the Yamas and Niyamas for years and thought I was practicing them, at least pretty much...you know, in general.
But, I have a feeling it's going to be a whole different experience immersing myself one at a time and really experiencing them. Like the Buddhist wheel, the Yamas/Niyamas are meant to be practiced all together, not checked off like a list. But often, beginners are asked to focus on one at a time as part of initiation or monastic training, to really study, breathe in and immerse in the essence of each.
The Yamas (Restraints) are Ahimsa (nonviolence), Satya (truthfulness), Asteya (nonstealing), Brahmacharya (moderation) and Aparigraha (nonhoarding/detachment). The Niyamas (Observances) are Sauca (purity), Santosa (contentment), Tapas (zeal/dedication), Svadhyaya (self-study), and Isvara-pranidhana (devotion to God).
I will start with Ahimsa. Nonviolence. I figure I don't hit people or key cars or put my fist through walls, so I feel like I'm already ahead of the game on this one! Though, of course, it's not that simple. Ahimsa goes beyond physical violence, encompassing actions, thoughts and practicing nonviolence towards yourself as well. It's really about compassion.
I'm excited (and nervous) to get started. Wish me luck! See you next month!
The Yamas and Niyamas, for Yogis, are the backbone and foundation to the eight-limb practice. They are both moral restraints (how you deal with the outside world) and moral observances (internal strengthening). I'm generalizing here, but they basically are Yoga ethics. So, even if you have a wonderful, open chested Warrior II or a downward dog that would make Rodney Yee shed a tear, if you are an angry, hypocritical, violent, negative person, it really doesn't matter all that much. Even less severe or extreme, we all have our issues and the Yamas and Niyamas are kind of an ancient Yogi therapist that helps us shine the light on our shadows so we can see where we need to improve.
So, it's a little scary. Because it's a practice. And because it's revealing. And because it's vulnerable. And because it...takes...effort. Real effort. It's not what we're used to. We are used to habit and ingrained patterns and notions and justifications for acting the way we do. I am no exception. I devote hours and hours of my week to asana and meditation and reading about Yoga. But do I still get angry and impatient at incompetence at the store? Yes. Do I get angry in traffic? Yes. Do I get upset at things I can't control? Take a wild guess...
So, I'm going to try this and be committed. My plan is to take one ethical principle each month. That's a ten month commitment. Whew. I've been studying the Yoga Sutras and the Yamas and Niyamas for years and thought I was practicing them, at least pretty much...you know, in general.
But, I have a feeling it's going to be a whole different experience immersing myself one at a time and really experiencing them. Like the Buddhist wheel, the Yamas/Niyamas are meant to be practiced all together, not checked off like a list. But often, beginners are asked to focus on one at a time as part of initiation or monastic training, to really study, breathe in and immerse in the essence of each.
The Yamas (Restraints) are Ahimsa (nonviolence), Satya (truthfulness), Asteya (nonstealing), Brahmacharya (moderation) and Aparigraha (nonhoarding/detachment). The Niyamas (Observances) are Sauca (purity), Santosa (contentment), Tapas (zeal/dedication), Svadhyaya (self-study), and Isvara-pranidhana (devotion to God).
I will start with Ahimsa. Nonviolence. I figure I don't hit people or key cars or put my fist through walls, so I feel like I'm already ahead of the game on this one! Though, of course, it's not that simple. Ahimsa goes beyond physical violence, encompassing actions, thoughts and practicing nonviolence towards yourself as well. It's really about compassion.
I'm excited (and nervous) to get started. Wish me luck! See you next month!
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Yoga Year in Review
It is the beginning of the New Year and the wonder of what the year will bring. It is also a time of reflection and it made me look back on all the wonderful Yoga retreats and experiences I was able to go to this year. It actually blows my mind because with a small toddler and not a lot of extra money just blowing around, I was still able to experience some amazing teachers and retreats and learn a lot on a budget. I am REALLY lucky to live near such thriving centers of Yoga culture and offerings - Columbus and Yellow Springs offer so much to our Yoga community.
Kirtan Intensive, Yoga on High, Columbus: Offered by someone really passionate about Kirtan; a small group, so time for questions and personal touch, learned more in depth about the deities and stories. I do wish we could have spent more time learning harmonium (we all brought them per instruction) but since we spent so much time on deities, didn't get to play them much...bummer!
Sienna Sherman Weekend Retreat, Yoga Springs Studio, Yellow Springs: It was so nice to devote an entire weekend to Yoga. It was the only time I was able to do this during the year and it was an absolute luxury. I love carving out this space and spending it immersed in Yoga and Meditation without anything else to think about. It was very intense physically, so I felt strong and detoxed afterwards. Though it was sometimes SO intense and heavy on the very advanced poses, that it was easy to become frustrated and worn out. But, she sang the most beautiful Hari Om melody that sounded like a lullaby. I actually went up afterwards and had her repeat it so I wouldn't forget. I sing it to Bodhi now sometimes when she goes to sleep.
David Swenson Yoga Sutras, Yoga on High, Columbus: By far my absolute FAVORITE Yoga on High event I've ever gone to. This was my first time studying with David and he is an amazing, natural, funny teacher who knows how to tell a good story! He taught us about the Yoga Sutras and explained it in a way that had me on fire about sometime I've been studying for years. He just took it to a deeper level and gave such great examples. He inspired me so much that it made me start including a section on Yoga Sutras in my Philosophy class based on this lecture! I would love to study with him again.
Angela Farmer - Day for Women, John Bryan Center, Yellow Springs: She is a graceful, commanding, intimidating, beautiful elder goddess who I had to pinch myself every few minutes to assure myself, Yes, you really are studying from one of the greats, one of the American pioneers, one of the first women to bring and teach Yoga to the West. Yes, she's right here in front of you. And she is funny in a dry way, worldly, and very fierce. Not warm necessarily, but just right and keenly perceptive about just about everything. It was an intense day, very centered on the emotional essence of women. She had us unfold in free movement, write in journals, and do creative visualization. Little asana was done, but much transpired.
Laurel Heffner - Sivananda Retreat, Center for Spiritual Living, Kettering: Laurel, whether she knows it or not, has truly become a Guru to me. The most down to earth, knowledgeable and funny woman. I adore her. And I adore what she gives in Yoga. Her take, experience and lens of Yoga just vibes with mine completely and she is a light and grace in the world of workout and commercialized Yoga and Pilates turned Yoga instructors because she brings it back to its heart, to its spirituality, to its essence, to India, and to its gurus without hesitation or apology. This all day retreat was devoted to celebrating Sivananda, the teacher of my teacher, Satchidananda. I wrote about this experience already, but had to mention it as part of my Year in Review, since of all of them, it was the most powerful to me. She will be offering another in March on Swami Chitananda and I am counting down the days.
This year has been empowering for my Yoga practice. I realized fully and clearly that I do not need to travel across the country (or out of the country) to attend a good Yoga retreat and/or training and deepen my practice. Because I am so lucky to live where I do, I can take an afternoon, evening, or when I am very lucky, a whole weekend and deepen, unfold, experience, absorb, breathe it in, and bring it back to my mat and my crazy life. Someday I will take the trips to Kripalu and other far and away ashrams again, but right now I don't want to be away from Bodhi for too long and who can afford all that travel and expense? Since Yoga comes from within anyway, it only makes sense to not have to travel too far for a little insight.
Speaking of my little Yogi, she now does her own downward dog on the mat with her head on the floor, looks between her legs and laughs at me. Every day is a gift and a chance to live my sadhana. Some days, working full time, trying to be a present and dedicated mom and partner, and all of the rest of life is difficult, challenging and I am as far from a Yogi as you can imagine. Other days, I feel like I am somewhat on track and actually getting the hang of it. And on those days, I can't imagine a life without Yoga. I am looking forward to what this year brings!
Kirtan Intensive, Yoga on High, Columbus: Offered by someone really passionate about Kirtan; a small group, so time for questions and personal touch, learned more in depth about the deities and stories. I do wish we could have spent more time learning harmonium (we all brought them per instruction) but since we spent so much time on deities, didn't get to play them much...bummer!
Sienna Sherman Weekend Retreat, Yoga Springs Studio, Yellow Springs: It was so nice to devote an entire weekend to Yoga. It was the only time I was able to do this during the year and it was an absolute luxury. I love carving out this space and spending it immersed in Yoga and Meditation without anything else to think about. It was very intense physically, so I felt strong and detoxed afterwards. Though it was sometimes SO intense and heavy on the very advanced poses, that it was easy to become frustrated and worn out. But, she sang the most beautiful Hari Om melody that sounded like a lullaby. I actually went up afterwards and had her repeat it so I wouldn't forget. I sing it to Bodhi now sometimes when she goes to sleep.
David Swenson Yoga Sutras, Yoga on High, Columbus: By far my absolute FAVORITE Yoga on High event I've ever gone to. This was my first time studying with David and he is an amazing, natural, funny teacher who knows how to tell a good story! He taught us about the Yoga Sutras and explained it in a way that had me on fire about sometime I've been studying for years. He just took it to a deeper level and gave such great examples. He inspired me so much that it made me start including a section on Yoga Sutras in my Philosophy class based on this lecture! I would love to study with him again.
Angela Farmer - Day for Women, John Bryan Center, Yellow Springs: She is a graceful, commanding, intimidating, beautiful elder goddess who I had to pinch myself every few minutes to assure myself, Yes, you really are studying from one of the greats, one of the American pioneers, one of the first women to bring and teach Yoga to the West. Yes, she's right here in front of you. And she is funny in a dry way, worldly, and very fierce. Not warm necessarily, but just right and keenly perceptive about just about everything. It was an intense day, very centered on the emotional essence of women. She had us unfold in free movement, write in journals, and do creative visualization. Little asana was done, but much transpired.
Laurel Heffner - Sivananda Retreat, Center for Spiritual Living, Kettering: Laurel, whether she knows it or not, has truly become a Guru to me. The most down to earth, knowledgeable and funny woman. I adore her. And I adore what she gives in Yoga. Her take, experience and lens of Yoga just vibes with mine completely and she is a light and grace in the world of workout and commercialized Yoga and Pilates turned Yoga instructors because she brings it back to its heart, to its spirituality, to its essence, to India, and to its gurus without hesitation or apology. This all day retreat was devoted to celebrating Sivananda, the teacher of my teacher, Satchidananda. I wrote about this experience already, but had to mention it as part of my Year in Review, since of all of them, it was the most powerful to me. She will be offering another in March on Swami Chitananda and I am counting down the days.
This year has been empowering for my Yoga practice. I realized fully and clearly that I do not need to travel across the country (or out of the country) to attend a good Yoga retreat and/or training and deepen my practice. Because I am so lucky to live where I do, I can take an afternoon, evening, or when I am very lucky, a whole weekend and deepen, unfold, experience, absorb, breathe it in, and bring it back to my mat and my crazy life. Someday I will take the trips to Kripalu and other far and away ashrams again, but right now I don't want to be away from Bodhi for too long and who can afford all that travel and expense? Since Yoga comes from within anyway, it only makes sense to not have to travel too far for a little insight.
Speaking of my little Yogi, she now does her own downward dog on the mat with her head on the floor, looks between her legs and laughs at me. Every day is a gift and a chance to live my sadhana. Some days, working full time, trying to be a present and dedicated mom and partner, and all of the rest of life is difficult, challenging and I am as far from a Yogi as you can imagine. Other days, I feel like I am somewhat on track and actually getting the hang of it. And on those days, I can't imagine a life without Yoga. I am looking forward to what this year brings!
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Sivananda Retreat
Having the blissful opportunity to attend an all day Yoga immersion is a true luxury these days. This Saturday, I was able to do just that, getting to experience an "Indian Ashram" only 45 minutes from where I live. This is thanks to the amazing Laurel and Dan Heffner, who have truly been lights in my life. They have reconnected me so deeply to my experience of India and the lessons she is still teaching me.
It was five ethereal hours of chanting, meditation, pranayama, asana, theatre (reenactments that I found surprisingly effective) and spiritual study, focused on Swami Sivananda. I would have gone no matter who we were studying, but the fact that it was Sivananda really made the whole day that much more special. In fact, the whole day felt like constant explosions of serendipity regarding my Yoga lineage and education, seeming to appear in cosmic neon flashes above my head.
I first started doing Yoga when I was 16 years old, when a piano teacher of mine handed me a copy of Lilias Folan's Alive with Yoga on VHS. I ended up practicing with that old tape hundreds of times, watching sweet Lilias in her red striped leotard and thinking to myself that this felt like nothing I had ever experienced.
Soon after, I purchased my first book on Yoga - The Sivananda Companion to Yoga and it became my go to for everything Yogic. I read and reread the text, highlighting, making notes and dog-earing the pages. Many years later, I would go through teacher training at Sri Swami Satchidananda's Ashram in Yogaville, Virginia. I didn't know much about him at the time, but was drawn to the Integral Yoga philosophy and holistic approach to traditional Yoga. It was much later that I found out that Satchidananda had been a disciple of Sivananda's. One of the first serendipitous links of the retreat day was finding out that Lilias Folan also was a disciple of the Sivananda lineage, being taught by Swami Chitananda (Sivananda's direct disciple).
I am used to doing retreats that involve all the elements we were experiencing, but this was my first time really experiencing the reenactment/theatre aspect of traditional Yoga. At first I wasn't sure what to think, but I soon became caught up in the message and in the power of someone channeling an experience instead of just telling about it. The teacher in me connected with this immediately and it reminded me, that as a student, this is a very effective way to teach. Dan made a fantastic Sivananda, both in his spiritedness and his physical appearance, donning the orange robes and shiny head, his dancing and clapping got us all up to join him and joy filled the room.
There were several reenactments, but the one that affected me most was Satchidananda. My teacher. I have had such a journey with him and his role in my spiritual life and it was so strange and almost overwhelming to see him embodied in someone else. While some may say it was just an actor in a wig, I have to admit I felt something stronger when he walked towards the stage in his orange robes. He looked like him, moved like him. Since I have heard the real Swami talk a lot, there was a bit of a difference in the way the actor talked, but it didn't take away from the retelling of the speech he gave at Woodstock. I have heard of this event, even taught students about the speech probably a few hundred times. But I never got it like I did this day, seeing this Satchidananda in front of me, hearing the speech retold in this cadence, imagining the hippies that he got off drugs and onto Yoga, pranayama, meditation. And then the led minute of silence. I imagined how powerfully that silence must have swept across the chaotic youth in the crowds.
Afterwards, I couldn't stop thinking about how people say that if you're drawn to something strongly, it's usually because it's familiar and you were already doing this in another life. I look back to how I started with Yoga at such an early age and have never stopped, how my practice has just continuously grown deeper and wider and fuller and how I have complete faith that this will keep happening for the rest of my life. I just can't get enough of it - it is a true practice with so much to always learn anew. I think of how I have never had any desire to do any drugs or to drink alcohol and have been sober my entire life, yet have been surrounded by many close friends and loved ones who have/do. I think of my obsession with the sixties all through my childhood and teenage years and how I was the weirdo who listened to The Doors and Creedence ("our Dads' music") while my other friends listened to Paula Abdul and Whitney Houston. Is there something to this? Normally it would sound kind of kooky, but in this meditative space, in this deeper awareness, it all started to make sense to me.
Beautiful gifts kept coming throughout the day, probably the most profound to me was the gift of Radha's diary. The excerpts of Sivanananda's western disciple were my favorite part of the retreat by far. I could relate to her so closely, being a western woman who traveled to India and wrote about it too. A woman who doubted herself and tries her best to live this practice. I loved her authentic voice and realness so much that I can't wait to order this diary for myself and to read all of it!
Why should we only read the Gita, the words of Jesus or the Sutras? Why not read one woman's diary of an authentic pilgrimage, both inner and outer? To me, a story like this is just as inspiring.
I am so grateful to have the opportunity to "plug in" to Yoga retreats a few times throughout the year, but this one really took the cake for me. It was everything I had hoped for and more and resonated with me on a thousand layers. I went in that morning feeling like a tired, worn out little bud and left feeling like an opened lotus, clear and connected. To be able to practice with others who feel the same way about Yoga as I do and to learn from teachers like Laurel is such a powerful gift.
"Do real sadhana, my children. Do real sadhana." - Sivananda
It was five ethereal hours of chanting, meditation, pranayama, asana, theatre (reenactments that I found surprisingly effective) and spiritual study, focused on Swami Sivananda. I would have gone no matter who we were studying, but the fact that it was Sivananda really made the whole day that much more special. In fact, the whole day felt like constant explosions of serendipity regarding my Yoga lineage and education, seeming to appear in cosmic neon flashes above my head.
I first started doing Yoga when I was 16 years old, when a piano teacher of mine handed me a copy of Lilias Folan's Alive with Yoga on VHS. I ended up practicing with that old tape hundreds of times, watching sweet Lilias in her red striped leotard and thinking to myself that this felt like nothing I had ever experienced.
Soon after, I purchased my first book on Yoga - The Sivananda Companion to Yoga and it became my go to for everything Yogic. I read and reread the text, highlighting, making notes and dog-earing the pages. Many years later, I would go through teacher training at Sri Swami Satchidananda's Ashram in Yogaville, Virginia. I didn't know much about him at the time, but was drawn to the Integral Yoga philosophy and holistic approach to traditional Yoga. It was much later that I found out that Satchidananda had been a disciple of Sivananda's. One of the first serendipitous links of the retreat day was finding out that Lilias Folan also was a disciple of the Sivananda lineage, being taught by Swami Chitananda (Sivananda's direct disciple).
I am used to doing retreats that involve all the elements we were experiencing, but this was my first time really experiencing the reenactment/theatre aspect of traditional Yoga. At first I wasn't sure what to think, but I soon became caught up in the message and in the power of someone channeling an experience instead of just telling about it. The teacher in me connected with this immediately and it reminded me, that as a student, this is a very effective way to teach. Dan made a fantastic Sivananda, both in his spiritedness and his physical appearance, donning the orange robes and shiny head, his dancing and clapping got us all up to join him and joy filled the room.
There were several reenactments, but the one that affected me most was Satchidananda. My teacher. I have had such a journey with him and his role in my spiritual life and it was so strange and almost overwhelming to see him embodied in someone else. While some may say it was just an actor in a wig, I have to admit I felt something stronger when he walked towards the stage in his orange robes. He looked like him, moved like him. Since I have heard the real Swami talk a lot, there was a bit of a difference in the way the actor talked, but it didn't take away from the retelling of the speech he gave at Woodstock. I have heard of this event, even taught students about the speech probably a few hundred times. But I never got it like I did this day, seeing this Satchidananda in front of me, hearing the speech retold in this cadence, imagining the hippies that he got off drugs and onto Yoga, pranayama, meditation. And then the led minute of silence. I imagined how powerfully that silence must have swept across the chaotic youth in the crowds.
Afterwards, I couldn't stop thinking about how people say that if you're drawn to something strongly, it's usually because it's familiar and you were already doing this in another life. I look back to how I started with Yoga at such an early age and have never stopped, how my practice has just continuously grown deeper and wider and fuller and how I have complete faith that this will keep happening for the rest of my life. I just can't get enough of it - it is a true practice with so much to always learn anew. I think of how I have never had any desire to do any drugs or to drink alcohol and have been sober my entire life, yet have been surrounded by many close friends and loved ones who have/do. I think of my obsession with the sixties all through my childhood and teenage years and how I was the weirdo who listened to The Doors and Creedence ("our Dads' music") while my other friends listened to Paula Abdul and Whitney Houston. Is there something to this? Normally it would sound kind of kooky, but in this meditative space, in this deeper awareness, it all started to make sense to me.
Beautiful gifts kept coming throughout the day, probably the most profound to me was the gift of Radha's diary. The excerpts of Sivanananda's western disciple were my favorite part of the retreat by far. I could relate to her so closely, being a western woman who traveled to India and wrote about it too. A woman who doubted herself and tries her best to live this practice. I loved her authentic voice and realness so much that I can't wait to order this diary for myself and to read all of it!
Why should we only read the Gita, the words of Jesus or the Sutras? Why not read one woman's diary of an authentic pilgrimage, both inner and outer? To me, a story like this is just as inspiring.
I am so grateful to have the opportunity to "plug in" to Yoga retreats a few times throughout the year, but this one really took the cake for me. It was everything I had hoped for and more and resonated with me on a thousand layers. I went in that morning feeling like a tired, worn out little bud and left feeling like an opened lotus, clear and connected. To be able to practice with others who feel the same way about Yoga as I do and to learn from teachers like Laurel is such a powerful gift.
"Do real sadhana, my children. Do real sadhana." - Sivananda
Friday, August 16, 2013
Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu
This is one of the first chants I ever learned, at the Ashram back in 2001. I instantly loved it. It was just a lovely chant. Simple, beautiful, flowery sounding. I loved the way the melody carried softly across your tongue. It was a sweet, feminine chant and I fell in love with it.
Translated, it means roughly, "May the entire universe be filled with peace and joy, love and light." Another version, "May my positive actions and thoughts influence the actions and thoughts of others around me."
It is the second chant I have learned on the harmonium and I can't stop playing it. I can honestly say it is the first real experience with the harmonium where I feel like I "get it." My voice and the instrument become one and I just bliss out into this devotion and never want to stop!
This week has been a very busy week with work. I've been working very long hours on campus and by the time I commute home, take care of Bodhi and do all the evening chores and bath time and get her to bed, I am utterly exhausted and mentally wiped. I know I should do yoga, but the thought of rolling out the mat and trying to move my body around just seems like too much. So, last night, I told myself, "jeez, just do 5 minutes. You can do 5 minutes. Just sit on the mat if you have to."
I rolled it out on the back porch, with just about 15 minutes of light left in the day. I did one slow sun salutation and then lay on my back on the mat, putting my legs up against the column of our gazebo. I had never thought to do this before, but lay there in "legs against the wall" pose for about 10 minutes, completely and utterly spent.
It wasn't a calorie burning Vinyasa flow or a mind blowing, spiritual transformation, but my body had intuitively went into one of the best known restorative poses that exist. That without thinking, my legs just went there, seems like a kind of somatic magic to me. It's exactly what I needed. So many times I don't roll out my mat because I think, "Ah, I'm too tired" or "I don't have time." Why do I forget, even after all these years of practice, that it's okay to just lay in child's pose for awhile or just put my feet up against the wall sometimes? It's still Yoga. Even 30 seconds is better than nothing!
Translated, it means roughly, "May the entire universe be filled with peace and joy, love and light." Another version, "May my positive actions and thoughts influence the actions and thoughts of others around me."
It is the second chant I have learned on the harmonium and I can't stop playing it. I can honestly say it is the first real experience with the harmonium where I feel like I "get it." My voice and the instrument become one and I just bliss out into this devotion and never want to stop!
This week has been a very busy week with work. I've been working very long hours on campus and by the time I commute home, take care of Bodhi and do all the evening chores and bath time and get her to bed, I am utterly exhausted and mentally wiped. I know I should do yoga, but the thought of rolling out the mat and trying to move my body around just seems like too much. So, last night, I told myself, "jeez, just do 5 minutes. You can do 5 minutes. Just sit on the mat if you have to."
I rolled it out on the back porch, with just about 15 minutes of light left in the day. I did one slow sun salutation and then lay on my back on the mat, putting my legs up against the column of our gazebo. I had never thought to do this before, but lay there in "legs against the wall" pose for about 10 minutes, completely and utterly spent.
It wasn't a calorie burning Vinyasa flow or a mind blowing, spiritual transformation, but my body had intuitively went into one of the best known restorative poses that exist. That without thinking, my legs just went there, seems like a kind of somatic magic to me. It's exactly what I needed. So many times I don't roll out my mat because I think, "Ah, I'm too tired" or "I don't have time." Why do I forget, even after all these years of practice, that it's okay to just lay in child's pose for awhile or just put my feet up against the wall sometimes? It's still Yoga. Even 30 seconds is better than nothing!
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