Kwan Yin's Dance of Motherhood

Happy Buddha (Wesak) Day!  To celebrate, my friend and I went to our bi-weekly Kirtan, which this week was themed with our favorite Buddhist chants and a celebration of Kwan Yin.  I decided to take Bodhi with me, thinking that at 9 months old, she was ready to experience the bhakti devotion her Mama loves so much.  I was naive.  It wasn't that she cried. In fact, she loved it so much, she wanted to proclaim it to everyone with her high pitched vocal squeals and laughs.  For the first couple of times, it was cute and a few people laughed. After a few minutes though, I took her back to the nursery because I didn't want to disturb anyone's meditation.

The next 90 minutes went as such: chase Bodhi around the nursery, pull toy out of her mouth, carry her back into meditation room thinking she would be worn out and quiet, giant squeals of delight upon realization that she had an audience again, back to the nursery, chase around, repeat...  By 8:30, I was completely exhausted, sweaty and disappointed that I had missed most of the Buddha celebration (and worried that my bringing her may have disturbed other practitioners).

I started seeing her familiar signs of imminent bedtime, so I took advantage, sliding her down into my front snugli carrier, popping a born free bottle of pumped milk into her mouth and watching her eyes get heavy.  I sighed, deciding to risk it one more time.  I walked back into a lovely chorus of Pare Gate. As I came into the back of the room, something startled me out of the corner of my eye. Through the doorway of another side room, a mannequin in a bride's dress stood facing the light coming in the window.  The mannequin seemed so real, but was completely unmoving.  It was a little spooky and I stood there a minute, unable to take my eyes off of it as if there was something pulling me into that room.  Then it did start to move, gracefully swaying back and forth.

After my stomach leaping into my throat initially, I realized this mannequin was our Kwan Yin for our evening, a real practitioner. I then felt voyeuristic, realizing that I was watching her prepare for her role and I quickly continued making my way to the front of the room where Bodhi could see the lights and harmonium.  She watched with fascinated eyes as I swayed her back and forth with the melody and she drank her milk contently.   I sang softly into her ear, emphasizing the part of "Para sum gate, Bodhi Svaha" and she looked up at me with an expression that was half surprised and half amused as if we were all singing just for her.

Then Kwan Yin came down the aisle, dressed in her bridal white lace and holding a beautiful lotus candle. She walked slowly and gracefully and then danced her sacred dance.  As we chanted Kwan Yin Pusa, she stood still as a statue (boy, she was very good at this!) and we circumambulated around her.  By this time, Bodhi was asleep against my chest.  Warm and snuggled close, I sighed in relief and for the first time all night, began chanting with full energy, with my entire being and focus.

As I passed by Kwan Yin, I silently thanked her for this moment, these little precious gems of peace that new moms get after so much continuous exhaustion, anxiety and chaos.   I thought of India and that one beautiful woman in her glowing sari that had given me a helping hand when I had been in so much despair.  I thought of all the ways Kwan Yin, and the feminine divine as a whole, in Durga, Saraswati, Kali, Tara, White Buffalo Calf Woman, Mother Theresa, St. Catherine, and most of all, Mary, have accompanied me throughout my spiritual journey.

I looked down to my little sleeping girl with her tiny hand curled around my arm and tears filled my eyes.  Feeling connected to all of these divine mothers, I realized that the dance I was engaging in around Kwan Yin mirrored my dance with motherhood in general.  New, thrilling, overwhelming, and beautiful, it is the greatest dance of my life.