This month was HARD. Not in practicing asteya, but in the fact that it is the last month of the semester, which always creates chaos, stress, anxiety, imbalance and an overall feeling of things falling through the cracks. On top of this, many other life factors came into play, making this month a whirlwind. I did my best. Or pretty close to it.
April 4th - Asteya is defined as non-stealing. This is not only a caution against stealing things that aren't yours, but stealing time, energy, trust, etc. It takes stealing to a whole deeper level. So far, I haven't had any trouble not stealing people's stuff (not something I was accustomed to doing before), but I have been paying attention of any way I may unknowingly steal people's time or energy.
In doing this, I became VERY aware of how others may try to steal my time and energy (and money). Long phone calls and wait times to a payment system that made an error on my mortgage payment (so much time (and money!) stolen...) Acquaintances that tend to take and take and not give in return. It's a hard balance to give and not be taken advantage of.
April 5th - A tiny three month old kitten came to our doorstep last night. He is a bag of bones, wheezing like Darth Vader and just all around pathetic. I instantly fell in love with him. I'm really hoping we can keep him. He is so affection and loving and sweet.
April 7th - Bad news. The kitten tested positive for Feline Leukemia. I'm overwhelmed. I've had four cats in my life and never have had any experience with this. It's pretty scary and not at all promising. The vet said the prognosis isn't great, but that there's a chance he could just be exposed and "grow out of it" later. But then the pamphlets said that babies and elderly shouldn't be around Fel-V cats because of other stuff they can pick up due to their suppressed immune systems. I don't know what to do.
April 16th - Today at Kroger, I bought a cart full of groceries, got out to the car, exhausted after working all day. Bodhi was kicking and crying, also tired from the long shopping excursion. I realized there was a bag of red potatoes next to her in the child seat. I hadn't seen it and neither had the cashier when I checked out. I was so tired and at first thought, screw it. But then, I knew this was a perfect opportunity to make a choice to practice Asteya.
With Bodhi pouting and whining, I pushed her and the cart back into the store and went up to the cashier with the potatoes and receipt in hand. She looked annoyed at me at first. I told her what happened and she didn't have any reaction, but just charged my card again and I wondered to myself if this was even worth it. Then she said, "Thank you for being so honest." And I stumbled, "Oh, no problem." But if I'm being completely honest, I'm not sure if I would have gone back in if I wasn't doing this Yama practice. And that is something for me to reflect on. This kind of small "free-bee" thing has happened probably a dozen times in my life and I'd say about half of those times, I have made the effort to take back the item. When I haven't, I usually make the "big corporation won't miss a couple of dollars" argument. But the thing is, that's not the point. It's karma. It's not stealing. And I have to admit, I felt better after paying for the potatoes.
April 28th - I used to have a really bad habit of being late all the time. And who am I kidding, I still struggle with this, especially with kids, though I make a much more mindful attempt not to be late now. One thing I am always on time for is work and my classes. Always. I leave extra early just to make sure because I struggle with this. There is a student this semester that I've been putting aside special time for because she is struggling in class. We've met three times outside of class and each time she has been 15-20 minutes late for our appointment, always with what seems like a legitimate excuse. Today, I was due to meet her at 3:00 and I myself was running just a few minutes behind with dropping Bodhi off. Considering her consistent late arrival, I figured I would still likely make it there before she would. I arrived exactly at 3:03 p.m. and she was in the main office, asking my chair (boss!) where I was. Seriously. Ugh. Back in my 20s, I never looked at being late as stealing people's time, but now I do. It is something I try to avoid if possible. But sometimes, it is unavoidable.
April 30th - I've been taking care of the kitten for this whole month, giving him antibiotics, food, tons of love and trying like crazy to find him a home to no avail. He is the sweetest little soul and rubs up against me ferociously as if he is saying, "Oh, thank you, thank you." His respiratory infection hasn't improved much. So, I took him into a different vet for a "second opinion" and follow up test.
As we were waiting for the results, the vet and the tech informed me of the suffering and pain involved with
Fel-V and that the reason his respiratory infection wasn't getting
better was probably because he was already very sick with his weakened immune system. Normal kittens would recover with such a strong round of antibiotics. While he had gotten better at first it seemed, his wheezing now returned and it was pretty difficult for
him to breathe. We talked for a few minutes and I said, "What do I do if this test is positive?" He looked at me compassionately, but confidently said, "I would strongly encourage putting him down, for his sake and yours." During those next couple of minutes waiting, I prayed, Please be negative, please be negative. I petted him and I said to him, "Come on, be negative, kitty, you can do it."
The vet walked back in and I knew the result from the look on his face. "It's positive. A strong positive." He explained that this second test confirms that the kitten definitely absolutely has it and that it's not just an "exposure" thing that may go away. I burst into tears, blubbering all over the place. The vet tech looked at me compassionately, "Take the money you would put into him for the next few weeks and adopt a healthy cat and then donate to the shelter to help 15 cats, you must realize that anything you do for him, he's not going to last very long." They gave me a few moments and were very kind and yet, clear and validating, which I appreciated.
I cried as I petted him. I couldn't believe how emotionally attached I had become to him. He was so special, so sweet, so loving, so little. And so sick. I cried and said over and over, "I am sorry, I am so so sorry." I felt like I had failed him. He had came to us for help, so little and pathetic, and now this was happening. I cried as much for him as I did when my cats of 16 and 17 years died. Mourned just as deep and just as rough. Even more so in some ways with him being so young. It was so unfair. It wasn't his fault. His life was just stolen from him from a terrible disease most likely given to him through birth. The silver lining of his death according to the vet tech is that by us taking him "off the market" as a boy cat out in the woods, we probably saved many cats from getting infected. That makes me feel a little better. But I still feel really awful. I miss his little face and wheezy purr.
Between this and a friend of mine's recent devastating loss (which I won't write about here for sake of her privacy), Asteya has been a difficult month. I hope May (Brahmacharaya - moderation) is a little more light, a month full of life and fun and sun. Moderation in everything. After the extremes of this month and feeling overwhelmed ALL the time, I am game for moderation. The Buddha's path. Let's do it.
Let's do it!!!
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